Is being 30 a green light for some people to be insensitive, intrusive and just rude towards you?
I remember my 30th birthday and how depressed I was. It was during a weekend so, I decided to switch off my phone and stay in bed. The BF was doing his best to get me out of the house but I was having none of it. He eventually gave up, baked me one of his delicious birthday cakes and bought us a bottle of champagne. A friend of mine turned up at our door uninvited but with flowers; she left quickly as she realised that I was not in the mood.
I’m generally quite good at counting my blessings but that day I felt like a complete failure. At 30, I was supposed to have traveled the world, picked a fantastic place to live, bought a great house by the sea, looked fantastic and still have the energy to live fully and do everything that I wanted. Thank God, I’ve never pictured myself a mother (I’ll come back to this)  because if I had, that would have just added to my disappointment. Obviously, I was back to my normal self a couple of days after my birthday.

However, now that I’ve been in my 30s for 2 years, I can honestly say that it’s even worse than I thought it would be.
I have stopped counting, but in the past 6 months, I have had to defend my lifestyle so many times to strangers that the last time (3 days ago), I ended up being rude.  I am never rude!
Between marriages, birthdays, house parties, barbecues and so on, why is there always someone who goes “and how old are you?”,  “do you not have children? You should be thinking about it…”,  “you two should get married, really. Stop playing about.”?  The BF just takes it with a smile and changes the subject when he realises that I’m getting annoyed.
I don’t understand why people feel that they have the right to make that kind of comments to others they sometimes barely know.
In my late 20s, when my friends and I were saying “ooh, it’s gonna be so weird when we turn 30″, there would always be someone telling us about how great the 30s are. They would go on about how much more confident you feel as a woman and how your priorities change, blah blah blah.
It’s proving to be the exact opposite. I’m finding myself at an age when I can’t even speak my mind in some situations in fear of being judged. 30-something people are very good at judging (the unmarried, the clubbers, the daters, the unemployed and anyone “not acting their age”) . The best example is the baby issue. This will sound strange to a lot of people but as a child,  picturing my adult life, I never saw myself with children. As a teenager, when adults were using the “you’ll understand when you have children of your own” phrase, I would just roll my eyes. By age 25, it became quite clear to me that I did not want to have children. Don’t get me wrong, I love children, I just don’t want to have my own, to look after. I didn’t have a problem voicing it in conversation when asked because, for me, it was FINE. All women don’t have to be mothers…
Last time I said it to someone, I was 29 and I was asked if I didn’t think that it was “immature” and “selfish” not to want to share my life with a child. A lengthy conversation followed and now, I just can’t be asked.
The last straw was last Saturday when a friend’s friend told me that he thought my relationship was going nowhere because we were not married. He even told me that I could meet someone who would marry me in less than a year if I wanted to. Thankfully, the BF wasn’t there. The BF and I have been together for 13 years and have seen people split up all around us.We have talked about marriage but definitely don’t see it as a priority at the moment. During that time, that guy met someone, got married, got a divorce, met someone else, split up and is now single. I lost it , shouted, swore, pointed, smirked and shut him up. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stand these people…
Enjoy your 20s!

P.S: 3rd day in bed. No voice, antibiotics and my monster as sole companion.

I hate being part of a minority! Most of the time, I forget how much I hate it but today, it all bubbled up.  When I try to explain this to people, some of them think that I have some sort of complex but I can assure you that it is not the case.
I grew up in a place where everyone was more or less like me (black, Catholic) and had no experience of what it feels like to be “different “. I arrived in London when I was 22 and being on the other side is something I’m still getting used to.
Last night, there were riots and looting in Tottenham and Wood Green and right now, I can hear sirens because the same thing seems to be happening in Enfield.
I had to go through Wood Green today and the damage was far worse than I thought. Broken windows, shops ransacked, the police everywhere, pockets of teenagers looking on, smirking. The atmosphere was heavy, uncomfortable, tense and very sad.
A man who looked in his late 60s was talking to a small group of women. He had a  strong Caribbean accent (don’t know where from). From what he was saying, he had seen everything as it was happening. He concluded his account with a whole tirade about how “these young black men have no shame”,  how they were “embarrassing and bringing shame on their race”. As I walked away, I cringed. Why is it always like this? Why do we carry the weight of our race on our backs all the time? Why do we systematically feel guilty, tarnished or responsible when a black person does something wrong? It’s not right and it’s not fair!
We have nothing to prove and no one to please. We should not be thinking like this but it’s so hard to shake off. I do it all the time.
A simple example : I’m on the bus and a group of teenagers get on. They’re loud and I can see on the other passengers ‘faces that they are annoying everyone. If the kids are white, I’ll be irritated, mumble a bit and probably change seat to be as far from them as possible. If the kids are black, I will most certainly feel guilty, embarrassed and angry at them. I hate feeling like this;they’re not my kids, I don’t know them, why do I feel responsible?
I’m pretty sure that when white kids act badly, people  don’t go “oh no, they’re white! How will that reflect on me? “. I think that we do it because we’re in a lesser number.
Maybe it’s just me.
Here are a few pictures I took today.

I ran today though, and it felt great. The last time I went was Sunday, I think. I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that the hardest thing is getting out of the house. That’s generally for me, the moment when all my motivation goes out the window. I am dressed, sit down to put my trainers on but then don’t move. It really takes me everything I have to get myself out the door.

A few minutes after starting jogging today, I caught myself thinking that I might eventually enjoy it. I never thought in a million years that I would even consider running and liking it.  Today, I did 40 mn but I’m still finding it extremely difficult even if I am trying to focus on my breathing  (constantly struggling not to get out of breath) and not stopping. There are a few things that I still find disappointing and irritating: 1) my shoulders still feel stiff and my back hunched after running. I am trying to push my shoulders back while jogging but it hasn’t made much of a difference. 2) I’m soooo slow… It’s so frustrating to see people just racing past you. Not only am I slower than them but I also look exhausted, puffy, sweaty, stinky as opposed to the fresh faces and smiles I see them flaunt. 3) My fingers swell up and after a few minutes, I can barely move them.

Just wondering, can you lose your cellulite just with running? I would really like to tone my thighs. At the moment, the areas that hurt after jogging are my sides and my tummy (?).

I haven’t been smiling much at the moment. Work is becoming increasingly stressful, lazy people getting away with things over there are really disgusting me and, if I have to be frank, I just don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would or as I know I should. Only 8 years into a job that’s supposed to be a lifetime career and I already can’t stand it, yay!!!

I went back running today after a 10-day break. I have multiple excuses as to why I didn’t go before but of course, none of them are valid.

First, there was laziness. Then, I had quite a few guests over the Easter weekend; cooked a lot, ate a lot, didn’t want to go out running. Seriously, over the course of the past week, I ate like a pig! Last Tuesday, I went back to work and that’s when something else happened: the BF (who started the whole running thing) was always finding excuses for us not to go. I quickly understood that he had lost all motivation but I also knew that I didn’t have enough myself to go running on  my own. I tried not to be angry at him because the truth is that even if he said that he would run with me for “a few weeks” , he doesn’t owe me anything and I should be able to look after myself. I was still mad and disappointed. I tried to do some weights and cross trainer but it definitely doesn’t feel the same.

So, this morning, I decided that it was time to take matters into my own hands and I went back running. Yay me! I did about 3km and walked back home. I am happy but I know that it will be another battle to motivate myself to go back tomorrow. I guess I’ll just have to make it happen…

I realised how much carp I have eaten lately while running. My fingers started to really swell up and became so uncomfortable I had to constantly shake them.  I know that I have a water retention problem and that I should cut on salt but it’s in practically everything. I will start cooking without salt from tomorrow. A few years ago, my doctor put me on a no-salt diet and I lost 4kg in about 10 days without doing anything else. I remember asking for diuretic tablets instead and being told that it will tire my heart out (??). Maybe that’s because I’m on statin. I don’t know…Whatever.

Hope everyone is doing better than I am. I’ll keep you posted .

We woke up late, the BF had things to buy and sell on eBay. Before we knew it, it was 11.50. At the end, we just thought we would go to Westfield to do some shopping, have a look around and run when we get back home. We left at 14.30!

On the way out, we stopped at the nut place and I bought 100g of crystallised ginger (love it) and  100g of mixed nuts. The BF chose caramelised peanuts and I must admit, I had a few but mainly managed to stay away from it. By the time, we got to the shopping centre, I was not that hungry any longer.

I must be a bit weird because I’m really not that excited about shopping. I knew that I needed another Clinique liquid soap (mine is finished), maybe sandals and a few shower gels. Once I know what I need and get it, all the extra browsing and walking around annoys me a little bit. Today, I noticed that the BF is basically the same. He bought trousers, a jumper, undies and was done. Then, we stopped at the food court. we eventually ate at 4.00. I went for Mexican (he chose Indian) but was very careful about not taking things that were high in food. I had white rice, black beans, salsa, spicy beef, hot sauce, sweetcorn and lettuce and it was delicious. Later on, we had our SNOG yoghurts.

Mexican

fancy a snog?

My snog was such a disappointment! I think I made the wrong choice of toppings. We both chose passion fruit, pineapple and mango. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Way to sour and too much. we should have taken one to share… I’ll pick something sweeter next time.

We were back home at 19.00 but on the train, I had the rest of the ginger and mixed nuts. None of us wanted to run but we tried to motivated ourselves but eventually gave up. I don’t feel too guilty (I had a good day and I’m going back tomorrow) but I’m a bit disappointed because I wanted to build up on yesterday’s 30 min. I’m sure I’ll be ok…

After yesterday’s anger and disappointment, I must say that I was not highly motivated to do anything. We decided to go straight away, when we got up and, I must admit that it makes everything much easier. There are a lot fewer people in the park, it’s not as warm, I was not tired or annoyed and I had not eaten yet. I managed to do 30 minutes without stopping for the first time ever. I have NEVER in my life managed to run for that long. Not even in PE class! I was amazed and so happy! Tomorrow, we are aiming for 30min again and on Friday, he is adding another 5 minutes. I think he will add until we get to 45 minutes. The real test will be going back to work on Tuesday, getting home at around 5.45 tired and finding the energy and the motivation to go running. If I actually do that, then I will definitely have reasons to celebrate.

I think that I’m still not running properly, though. I feel like there is an invisible heavy cross on my shoulders and my neck while I’m running because when I stopped, I was in so much pain. I tried stretching but it didn’t really work. I must be slouching or something. I’ll look it up on the net!  On another negative note, I am running soooo slowly! In 30 minutes, I only did 3.32km! I know… I am still finding it difficult to raise my feet and take longer strides but I will get there. In addition, Finsbury Park (where I run) is full of hilly bits so it’s really hard for a beginner like me! (she says trying to find excuses…)

For lunch, I will have 2 tomatoes and a bit of cheese with a cup of green tea and to treat myself, the BF is taking me out this afternoon for a SNOG in Covent Garden. I think I’m going to go for natural with pineapple, passion fruit and strawberries as toppings. I can’t wait!

picture from http://www.eatoutmagazine.co.uk/online_article/Frozen-Yoghurt-operator-Snog-secures-fourth-site-in-Covent-Garden/9520

5.30 edit
I’m back home. At the end, we didn’t go to SNOG because I was starving (didn’t have breakfast again) so we went back to Brown eagle in Wood Green and I had rice and kidney beans with jerk chicken and plantains. Loved it but we were both so full that we decided to just go back home to rest. I’ll have the SNOG tomorrow.
This evening, a veg soup will be more than enough…

I’ve put on 1.5 kg in the past 5 days. I am now 77,8kg and so angry and disappointed. During these 5 days, I went running, did weight lifting exercises, sit-ups but still put on weight.

I did not snack half as much as I would have done normally and it didn’t pay off. I more or less ate what I would normally eat and still put on weight! How did that happen? I’m so pissed off! I did not go running today (this is my first break) because I really did not feel like it. However, I will definitely try to go back tomorrow. The worst is that when I put on my jeans this morning, I was pretty sure that it wasn’t as tight as before. Well, I guess I was wrong!

I know that when you work out, you put on muscle weight but I really doubt 1.5 kg in 5 days can be the explanation for this. I am fuming! It’s going to be hard not to lose motivation, now… I’m still holding on.

Thankfully, today was not a repeat of yesterday’s poo story.  However, I think I took the “make sure you hydrate properly” advice too far and spent my day drinking water. As a result, I had to take a pee break 8 minutes into my jog but that was my only stop. For the first time, at the end, I felt really good; mentally and physically. The second uphill portion was very difficult and I thought my heart was going to stop but I made it. I’m finding it hard to keep a sustained pace and to lift my feet. I am also pretty sure that I have a rubbish posture when running because, every time, I have back pains later on, around my shoulders and between my shoulder blades. I think my upper body is too tense while I run. There are so many things to adjust and I don’t know ANYTHING about running. I’m buying a new pair of trainers this week because the air cushion deflated in one of mine. I’m probably going to go for cheap and comfortable as I don’t know how long I will keep this up (to be honest).

I’m only at 25 minutes, now but it feels so difficult. I’m not going to lie, I hate it but I know that it’s good for me and I really appreciate what the BF is trying to do since I’ve been moaning for years about my lack of exercise.We’re supposed to add 5 minutes tomorrow. When the BF told me, I looked at him in horror so he said ” we can aim at doing 20min without stopping then, 10 minutes to end”. that sounded much more manageable. I am trying not to think about how pathetic the whole thing sounds and I’m definitely trying to forget that I read somewhere yesterday that you only start burning fat after 20 minutes of effort. What the hell am I doing, then? I’m sorry but there should be some sort of perk! I hope it’s at least beneficial to my heart.

I caught myself thinking about how unfair life was. The BF hasn’t done any exercise for years, eats everything in no moderation and is sooooo skinny (a  bit too much but I don’t mind). His mother and his sisters are the same and don’t put on weight even if they don’t exercise. I clearly remember me looking at his sister eating a plate of pasta with bread and her telling me “oh yeah… I eat bread with everything, I love it!”. Aaaaargh! The reason why I remembered all that is that while I was puffing and panting, I glanced at the BF and he was just running effortlessly uphill like some sort of mountain goat, grinning at me while saying “come on, you’re nearly there! You’re doing well!”. At the end, I had to ask if he was tired or out of breath and he replied that for some reason, he didn’t find running that hard and that after a while, he thinks I will be the same. Not sure about that…

http://www.slrobertson.com/copyright.htm

I’m supposed to weigh myself on Wednesday and I’m quite nervous about what to expect. I was not on a strict diet and I don’t know if running is enough to shed a few pounds. Today, I had ratatouille and roasted sweet potatoes with frankfurter sausages. It’s veg but the sausages are definitely not the healthiest. I don’t know what the menu is tomorrow. Here is a picture of my lunch plate (crappy quality cos I took it with my phone), I had no breakfast ( ) and left-over ratatouille for dinner ( too lazy to do something else). I used a small plate for lunch and dinner but as you can see, I kind of overloaded it. I did not have seconds and had no snacks today.

Bring on tomorrow! we’re supposed to be running in the morning :-S

looks weird but was very yummy and spicy.

Things did not go well and I am probably going to overshare here but, oh well… I managed to run up to 17 mn (again) and had to stop. I started feeling sharp pains in my lower back and stomach and after about 10 minutes I felt the sudden need to poo :/ … Yep! I kept going but it was getting worse so I stopped. The BF was like “let’s keep going! Only 8 minutes to go!” and what was happening was way too embarrassing for me to say anything. I had to finish my jog while complaining about my “backache”. I only muttered that I needed to use the loo when we were 5 min away from home. Obviously, things always have to be complivated and when we passed the door, the phone rang and it was by best friend Caroline. I haven’t talked to her in 3 weeks but I had to blow her off.

The whole thing was so sudden and unexpected that I googled it. Apparently, it’s quite common to feel like that when running. I didn’t find any valid explanation, though…

Today was day 4 and it was by far the worst. I felt knackered, not in the mood and stopped 4 times (!!!). On a positive note, I had no toilet emergency today I wonder how people who run an hour everyday do. It seems so impossible to me! I felt down and disappointed when I got home so tomorrow, I’ll do my 25 minutes without a break. The BF is supposed to be adding 5 minutes on Tuesday. I’ll just die!

As for food, I haven’t been doing that well. Lunch today was a plate of frozen chips (yuck) and dinner was a cupasoup with 4 toasts of Roquefort cheese. Not exactly diet food but as the BF said “at least you’re running and you didn’t have chocolate”. I am going to weigh myself on Wednesday. Crossing my fingers…

Image from Britstore

As for food, I stuck to my routine and had my Oatsosimple with a banana for breakfast and fish and steamed veg for lunch.

I had friends over this afternoon for coffee and cakes and did not refrain from eating anything. I know well enough that frustration doesn’t work and leads to bingeing (in my case, anyway). we even ended up making crepes. It was delicious. I made them with loads of rum and cinnamon in the batter and everyone loved them. When I told the BF that I hadn’t really been reasonable and that I kind of felt guilty, he told me that I had done well and that enjoying myself one day with my friends was fine because “we’re running tomorrow anyway”. Awww…

He is adding 5 minutes tomorrow. I am not as scared as yesterday. I can definitely make it! Did my weights and my abs but I feel like there is a knot between my shoulder blades. I don’t really know what I’m doing wrong. Stretching? posture when running? The abs? Hope it gets better…